But most of the men claimed that, actually, they didn't like these gender norms in dating. Lamont's female subjects said their experiments in being forward usually didn't get them the outcome they wanted.They wanted women to ask them out; they wanted women to pick up the check. Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University, found in researching her 2008 book Hooking Up that sexually aggressive college-age women were "sanctioned" for their behavior: they faced a certain amount of judgment from their peers in the form of a bad reputation. It's something you act, something you demonstrate for other people." We've "performed" our gender for so long, and the role is so ingrained, that it affects how we feel about ourselves and other people.But in a patriarchy, it's rational to divine the needs of the powerful, to meet them, and to be chosen to share their position in the world.Historically, women haven't had a lot of agency in selecting a mate, and that history, however muted now, still influences contemporary courtship.He frowned — his previously attractive face now rather ferret-like.
Rules support groups for women sprang up around the country. To wit: In bed, "don't be a drill sergeant, demanding that he do this or that. Remember, those are your needs you're concerned about filling, and The Rules are a selfless way of living and handling a relationship." The reader is left wondering when she could finally let her — long! — hair down and be her pushy, needy, authentic self. A subsequent book was The Rules for Marriage.) But what The Rules offered, more than anything, was a strategy.The Rules was roundly denounced by feminists — "I asked my boyfriend out! I fetishized traditional marriage, and I was sure other women knew something about men I didn't know. 5: Don't Call Him, and Rarely Return His Calls"), and when he did I offered no input about what I wanted to do on our date ("He picks most of the movies, the restaurants and concerts the two of you go to"). "Every single day for 13 years." "But — you're only 30," I said." hollered a woman on Oprah — by my friends, and by, well, nearly everyone I respected. Those of us baffled by the opposite sex eagerly reached for the map to happiness that The Rules promised. He chose a dank, deserted diner along the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway with 900 menu items and a clientele straight out of a William S. "People can be serious alcoholics by 17, Leigh," he said severely. "Plus that's pretty much how I meet women." I brushed this aside and pressed on with The Rules. He said he paid the Salvation Army drivers to swing by his store before they took their loads back to headquarters. So, yes, technically, The Rules were working so far, even though I was batting down a niggling feeling that he might be a jerk. On our third date, a potentially important one (Rule No.Four hundred years ago we might have paid a witch for a love potion; in the 1990s we paid Fein and Schneider for what amounted to a personal marketing plan. I asked about his work, even though he didn't ask about mine. "So —" I said, valiantly hanging on to sweet and light. 15: "Don't Rush Into Sex" and "No More Than Casual Kissing on the First and Second Dates"), he took me to a house he was renovating in Red Hook, a waterfront neighborhood in Brooklyn.So I decided to try The Rules on Brian, the vintage-store guy, in the hopes that my three-dates-then-crickets streak could be broken. He wanted to tear out the concrete backyard, so he directed me to stay inside the abandoned house, alone, with his dog."One minute," the dispatcher barked, and I grabbed my coat. "Look, if you leave now," he said, grabbing my arm again, "it's over." He pushed his face into mine as we stepped sideways into the elevator.